Joel Zumaya can't wait.

His wrist has been healing up since the 2006 ALCS. Not from pitching. From Guitar Hero.

That's right. Joel Zumaya has spent his off season in training, gearing up for the ultimate showdown.

No, not Albert Pujols in the World Series. Been there, done that.

Now - it's time to play a true master. Video game guru and sometime pitcher, Kei Igawa, is coming to the United States. And Zumaya wants him on a his Playstation 2. Now.

Zumaya wails on his guitar controller before a live audience.

But Igawa claims he is ready.

"New York is all right. I thought there would be more consoles in the hotels," he said through a translator. "But my room only had a TiVo and a DVD player. I was expecting Nintendo Wii and PS3, at least. I am now seriously reconsidering the contract proposal by the New York Yankees."

But if he does decide to accept that contract and stay, look at. This showdown could be serious. Deadly serious.

The champion of the video game awaits his next challenge.

Facts, these are not lies. Though they're not verified either. But at least we didn't make them up.

Originally posted at http://yanksfansoxfan.typepad.com/ysfs/2006/11/let_the_posturi.html by LocklandSF on 28 November 2006.

1.Only has 10,000 Yen ($85) with him on road trip, to save money on remote control cars.

2.Plays remote helicopter all day at off days. Offered a broken propeller to fans as a prize at a regular column called “Bat Corner” on Weekly Baseball Magazine.

3.Ate 100 plates of sushi on Shinjo’s treat.
(On philosophy of eating) “If you aren’t going to be full no matter how much you eat, then eat until you’re sick of it.”

4.Pre-ordered the new PS2 online when it was first released. Had it the first day when it was on the market.

5.Signature is like this: http://2chart.fc2web.com/2chart/igawa.html
(Note: That’s the type font. Anybody can sign like this)

6.Tried to avoid the throw-you-in-the-air celebration when team clinched division. However, teammates forced him into the circle and tossed him around.

7.Practiced and pitched against the wall alone in his first all-star game. Shugo Fujii from Yakult Swallows couldn’t stand it and came to play catch ball with him.

8.Team Hiroshima Toyo Carp made a special “Meka Igawa” (Robot Igawa) pitching machine, which could throw a lefty slider to imitate Igawa’s pitch.
9.Really wanted to go home to watch “Pride GP” (Note: A Martial art fighting contest) and hence accelerated his pace of pitching.

10.Answer to how he spends his free money (from right to left):

1.Trainer’s fee. 2. Video game 3. Remote Cars 4. Convenience Store.
http://2chart.fc2web.com/2chart/igawa2.html
(Note: He cares about his training pretty much.)

11.Enthusiastic in pursuing accountant or data analyst career in high school, in order to have alternative choice for his “likely to fail baseball career”.

12.Well-known Actress Yamaguchi (see photo) called him. He said, “I don’t know you” then hanged up. (Comment: Maybe our captain can give him some tips…)
(http://tucool.fan8.com/specialties/shankm6/02.jpg )

13.Discussed a lot about Japanese soccer in SPA! Magazine.

14.Bought tons of game reviews and walkthroughs at Yokohama’s bookstore.

15.Diligently finished “ALL” the chocolate gifts he got from fans.

16.Quote: “I’ll be careful about the comebackers hit by Yomiuri Giants’ batters”

17.Still a virgin when he turned pro. Manager Nomura ordered him to lose it.

18.Though earned more than 100 M yen per year (roughly 1M $/year), he took only 30,000 yen (about $250) with him to the spring training camp. Used subway instead of taxi in moving days. The only thing he bought at the end of camp is a CD (3000 yen), which he took the bus to bought it at the nearest town

19.Instantly gained much more weight after he moved out of the dormitory (note: Hanshin Tigers has its own dormitory for new players and rookies), and unable to be back into shape before next season.

20.Teammates call him “Dappe”. When asked if it would to be too presumptuous, he answered, “No problem at all.” (Note: Dappe is the common suffix of the Ibaraki dialect, at where he was born)

21.When lived in “Village of Tiger Blow” (Dorm for new players and rookies), the dorm supervisor shouted “Go out and have some life!” at him for he always spends all day in his room playing remote control model car. So he started to play remote control HELICOPTER instead.

22.“It’s relaxing”, he said, about why he still lived in the dorm (at that time). Rent is lower than 40,000 yen (less than $400) a month. Finally he was forced to move out (reluctantly) after 2003 season (to accommodate other rookies).

23.When he was forced to move out of the dorm, he asked his team if he could live in a trailer house in Koshien Stadium’s (home court) parking lot. Of course team rejected that.

24.Tagline on the poster outside video game shop near Koshien Stadium: “Master Igawa, please buy me home”

25. Die hard Japanese national soccer team fan.

26. Drove to self-training facility at the speed of 20km/hr (about 13Mile/hr) on a road with no other turns or splits, and late for half an hour. Caught up by a farm tractor in the way and caused major traffic jam.

27. Didn’t really care about the division title and go back to the dorm to take a nap before the game they clinched. He was called to the field when the team was about to win.

28. Asked the recipe from the chef at the training camp about a French dish potaufeu, and practiced to do it himself after that.

29. Attention is caught accidentally by the doll picking crane machine next to the video arcade where he really wants to go. Spent whole time there and even forgot his wallet there.

30. Teammate gave him the game ball to celebrate his 1,000 inning. He threw that ball to the fans (it is recovered eventually).

31. Not intend to join the division title beer shower. Tried to be unnoticed in the corner of the locker room and happily distributed the beers to all his teammates. Unfortunately he finally got his teammates’ attention and instantly got knocked out by the beer shower. Scheduled appointments for following days were all cancelled because of that. (Note: Igawa is probably the most vulnerable player to alcoholic beverage in the world.)

32. (Answer to what he wants to work on about his 2006 season) “Ronaldinho” (Note: Soccer player, who is the middle field in Brazil national soccer team) (Note: WTF…….)

33. Like to read realistic novel, in order to practice the ability to concentrate.

34. Shown and demonstrated the remote control car as his favorite hobby on a TV show. Unfortunately, the remote broke down unexpectedly.
35. Great appetite, fearlessly eat lunchbox in front of his manager.

36. Ramen called “Igawa special” is on the menu at the players-only restaurant in Tokyo dome. Miso and Soy sauce are in this ramen. Nobody eats that besides Igawa himself.

37. His minor league manager: “He can’t go back to the dorm from the field alone.”

38. Wants to be a better player because he wants himself to have a better original setting in “Live Baseball” (Note: THE famous baseball video game in Japan”). Reason? Rumor says that Igawa’ brother compared Igawa to Koji Uehara (Yomiuri Giant’s Ace, starting pitcher against United States in World Baseball Classic) when he played this video game and complained, “If only my brother could be a little bit better….”

39. Strongly recommend the team to add internet access in the dorm.

40. As Hanshin Tiger’s ace, he plays tons of combat games in his computer and never misses any episode of “Conan”. (Note: Popular manga and anime about youngster detective.)

41. Took an early leave at the division title celebration night to prepare for next day’s game. Needs only two hours and twelve minutes to complete a 1 earned run game next day.

42. “No hair cut at winning streak”. It lasted about three months (12 wins) and his hair style became outrageous.

43. He took taxi to the Yokohama stadium after he got off the subway to attend his second all-star game. He regretfully found out that the stadium is in walking distance.

44. Bought a Toyota Celsior for his father and furnished their house at his expense.

45. Too focused on his training. Knew his manager Nomura resigned from his neighbor (Note: after he went back from his self-training in Florida).

46. Igawa’s mother: He used to play with his sister with girly stuff when he was a kid.

47. Teaches his coach Wada about computers.

48. From one rookie who’s about to join the team, “I want to see him naked.”

49. At the off day after winning the division, spotted in second-handed video game store buying video games. Next day, he threw a shutout against the Giants.

50. Advertised about his personal homepage in “Word from Tiger warriors.” (Note: Team PR program)

51. Asked about where he wants to go at team’s group abroad vacation (team treat for division title), he said, “Dubai”. Reason? “I want to see where all this oil got drilled out.”

52. “Who is it?” the response when he saw the picture of Livedoor’s CEO.

53. Dined out with his teammate Kanemoto one day, but left right after he finished his own dish.

54. Denounced that the baseball with his signature on at Yahoo Auction Japan website is fake.

55. Refuse to go abroad vacation with his teammates to celebrate the title. His manager got really unhappy about it.

56. Told his teammate, “Fix your broken PS2 disk by throwing them into your freezer” and it didn’t work.

57. Play FF10 all the way to disk3 and complete all roles and characteristics.

58. Rode more than 15 miles on bicycle from home to school when he was in high school .Usually woke up late so rushed every time, and that’s why he had such tough lower body.

59. Had a shutout game in 2003 season garbage time, a no-hitter in 2004 season. Reason? Missed special broadcasting of “Conan” show and really pissed off.

60. Busted into other rookie’s dorm and shouted at them by using his Ibaraki dialect. Took their remote control away.

61. Really care about the stock market in CHINA.

62. His catcher Yano: “Most unlikely pitcher to take suggestion.”

63. If someone asks him to sign on a gameboy, he’ll sign something like,”I don’t know they got this color” or something like that.

64. Watches the game (when he’s not pitching) in infield audience seats, not dugout.

65. Diehard soccer fan. Joined the soccer club in middle school. He chose baseball club instead of soccer club in his senior high school because his school don’t have one.

66. Interested in organizing his room.

67. Likes to sleep

68. Feel ashamed about his large appetite. Eat sukiyaki by facing the wall to feel better.

69. Scolded by one taxi driver (Note: About his hair, I suppose).

70. Contemporary pitcher Igayashi from Swallows told him, “Let me tell you a fine barber shop and get your hair cut.”

71. Ordered his meal in Osaka Dome like this: “Please give me noodles which can help me win.”

72. Doesn’t like other people see his face. Take night trains from Hiroshima to Osaka after night games.

73. His coach Sato ordered him to get a hair cut, so he had it, half inch short.

74. Moved out from the dorm and lived by himself starting from December 2003, but some of his stuff are still not unpacked yet.

75. When he was asked to comment on his teammate Ramon Morel got the axe, he said, “(He) Press B but don’t know how to accelerate” (Note: If you ever played Super Mario Bros….)

76. Had a trip to the famous Matsuyama hot spring. But only used the normal tub in his room instead of the famous outdoor hot spring.

77. Have hundreds of video tapes about soccer in his house.

78. Got a letter from his fan with cash in it, said “get a hair cut”.

79. Made a lot of suggestions about tactics and formation to Japanese soccer team before Olympics in Athens. “This will give you medals”, that’s what he said.

80. Soccer player Miyamoto took him to BBQ house then asked about his favorite. Answer: “BBQ fish”

81. Got a cold before the trip to Hawaii (treat by the team to celebrate the title). Still came with team wearing a facemask. Sent to the hospital to get IV when arrived and sent back to Japan thereafter.

82. After practice, decided to take a rest before going to the stadium when the division clinching game was playing. Couldn’t grab a cab to go to stadium then and went to the field without wearing any uniform. When arrived, the team’s already in celebration mode.

83. Still using the buffalo skin purse that he bought before his class tour in elementary school.

84. On the mound at the day when Final Fantasy 11 was released. Pitched devastatingly to have a shut out game.

85. KO as the starting pitcher and demoted to minor league at the day when he knew the voice actress in “Conan” show just got married.

86. Know nothing about English but went to the sukiyaki with foreign (other than Japanese) players anyway.

87. Knew he needs to protect his left wrist when he was in elementary school.

88. Does not play golf too often. Swing from right anyway to protect his left wrist.

89. No meat from two days prior to his starts.

90. Shocked to see his teammates smoking and drinking when turned pro. (Note: Igawa does not even drink soda or coke.)

91. One coach said, “Anyway this guy won’t be with us forever” behind his back. He knew it but didn’t really care about the gossip.

92. Asked about which team he roots for at the news conference when team announced his signing, he said, “Kashima Antlers (which is a J-League soccer team).

93. Spoke at the fan appreciation day, “East West South (I’m) Igawa.” (This is the direct translation; don’t ask me what that means.)

94. 99 Level in DQ8 ( a video game)

95. Choked by food decoration and sent to hospital in Japan series.

96. Answer to a reporter’s question, “See my hp (homepage)”

97. Skipped the annual team gathering dinner because of watching anime show.

98. Got an R-rated (sexual explicit) video game directly from the sound actress.

99. Camp in line to buy DQ8 (a video game) at seven in the morning. Left his contract negotiation to his agent.

100. He made his special edition of the traditional Hanshin Tigers pinstriped uniform, changed it from vertical to horizontal and wears it at practice.

boys have penis]girls hav vagina;

-matsuzaka daisuke san

Dear Joel Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers,

So, zoom, I hear you're having a pretty good rookie season! You have gone from being one of the most reliable setup men in baseball, to blowing away big names in the playoffs. It sure has been a rollercoaster for you, and I'm sure you're very happy with yourself. But, if you don't grow a handlebar mustache, I will murder you. This is no idle threat, I will kill you in cold blood if you do not grow this particular facial hair style. I don't want you to think that I'm not a fan, because I am. I just simply will chop your fucking head off if you don't do this. The reasoning is simple, you need to be scarier. Yes you throw 103 mph. Yes you are a large set man with an intimidatingly large mouth. This alone is not enough.

I'm sure you will come to your senses and do the right thing. It is so easy to grow a mustache, I can see your beard, you have the capacity. The other option is death, I will kill you. I am crazy. I have a blade. I will chop your head off.

Thanks and good luck versus the Athletics!

-Lies about baseball

Lou Pinella is magical. He once saved a group of baby ducks from being hit by a Hummer by throwing himself into the massive vehicle. He later distilled the infamously polluted waters of Onondaga Lake in upstate New York by urinating into them. He single handedly stopped the Cold War and invented sourdough bread. He can hold 6 billiard balls in his mouth at one time and holds pogo stick championship titles in 32 of the 50 states. In 1990, the Cincinnati Reds won a world series under his leadership, but more importantly, Lou Pinella was the first English speaking person to use the word "red" to describe that color.

As you can see, there are many reasons while Lou Pinella should manage a baseball team.

December 2005 - Chalk on mirror

My season is over. Now it's lunch time. All the time.
Until March. Yes.

Seriously, I hate that guy. I hate him so much sometimes I want to go up to him and punch him right in the face, with love. He's such a meanie weanie that he saved my entire family from a burning house the other day and didn't even sign all 100 baseballs I gave him to sign, he only did 60 of them.

He has the damn nerve to do some of the most atrocious things I could ever imagine. The other day, when he was letting me hug him for hours, he actually said: "Sorry bro,I've gotta go play baseball now." What an asshole, seriously

Did you know that every time he hits a homerun, a kitten dies? Because it's true. David Ortiz is such a booie patooie that he didn't even stand completely still while I was painting his portrait, and it ended up looking like this:

Sometimes I think about how much I hate him, and my head explodes. And only once it has already does he pick up the pieces of it and put it back together with amazing brain surgery techniques. I invented that word, techniques, it means candy.

Anyways, I hope you guys all know how much of a jerky werky David Ortiz is now.


Did I mention that he's a poo butt?